Self-Control.

It had started terribly – losing over 50% of my bankroll in the first few days. I wasn’t prepared for this and the shock made me take a step back and look at what I’d been doing different since those days of profitable poker.

It hadn’t taken me long to realise that I had - without my knowledge - stopped playing single table tournaments and had been taking my chances at the much longer multi-table tournaments. It seemed that I needed the prior to support the latter and so I set about increasing the number of single tables I played.

My bankroll had increased 700% in eight days and that brings us to now. I had only $10 when I started but now I am up to $70. Already I have played three games today but it is the worst day I’ve had for a while, only cashing in one of those. It was however a win so I am still up for today. The first game was bad luck, losing with AA to QQ in the second hand. Although it is common practice for me not to get too involved early on in the game – only calling with AK and not going straight to a showdown – I find it hard with AA and will probably call any all-in with it.

So I started a second game. I didn’t play my best but I still managed to win. The third however I played terrible nearly all the way through. There were brief moments of clarity that helped me stay afloat but in the end I got knocked out pushing with 10c 5c – something that I should never ever doing. I finished fourth and am now filled with a kind of self loathing for doing such a thing. The feeling makes me want to play again but it also hints that it might just play the same way again – growing in power until I’ve lost all my money and I’m left crying in the shower. At the same time there is another feeling – one of ambition that shouts that we must push forward and not be deterred by this madness. He believes that we can take control of the feeling and keep it imprisoned – the drive is strong because he feels that to not play is a sign of weakness – that we must conquer this other feeling and show it no fear. This is not the whole of it however as there is another voice. One that doesn’t require the manic feeling of winning or of ambition – but one of calm saying we should wait for a while. That if we wait the self loathing will dissipate and the ambition will not be so frenzied and eager to prove itself not scared. It says we should wait. 

So I bide my time until poker no longer plagues my thoughts and balance has been restored to the mind.